Cricket SCREWED

To many a nation Cricket is synonymous with wild frenzy, revelry, religion and lot more. Cricket for these nations is what Football is for Europe or South America. In fact for most Indians, cricket is the panacea for all their worries and trepidation's. Cricket makes them forget all their worldly problems and helps them soak into unabashed revelry and unbridled happiness. For them cricket is the zenith of enjoyment and fun. In fact, an Indian can talk at length on cricket and its cricketers. He can be the greatest fan and a critic unequivocally. But this cricket frenzy and following might be far from true for some. For them, cricket is as alien as the supposed aliens in the world. For them a sport named cricket does not exist. It is not even a mirage to them, it is way beyond. I had an encounter with such a person whom I invited to watch a cricket match at my home. It was the decider in the series and a potential nail biter. My guest that day was a Canadian named Pierre. More than me, Pierre took an audacious decision in accepting my invite to watch a cricket match, a sport he had never watched earlier, leave aside even heard about. I was both a mix of excitement and nerves having Pierre as my cricket buddy. I had the premonition though, that something aghast was in store for me, but I was bold and ready for it.

Fun Short Lived

The day arrived and I was match ready with a crate of soft drinks and snacks stacked. You know, there is no fun w/o having to munch some snacks and drink while watching a cricket match. So it’s a given I would say. Pierre arrived with a big smile on his face. There was no trace of trepidation on his face, knowing he was going to attempt something which he would have not thought of in his wildest dreams. To a cricket aficionado this description about Pierre may sound overboard, he would say what the heck? He is just watching a sport which is considered a religion by more than a billion people. But believe me, you won’t think I am going overboard, when you know that the only reference to cricket for him is an insect and nothing else. Without any further ado get ready to experience the weird world.

Please listen to my music - https://youtube.com/channel/UCZ7KI4-pmjHdVNLT4of_NZg

The ODI started with the men in blue electing to bat first. The Aussies in their traditional yellow and green were all set to win the decider. The commentators started the post mortem of the field settings. Pierre pounced on the first comment saying what kind of words this sport has? Short leg, long leg, fine leg. These are obnoxious and outright vulgar words, I understood, where Pierre was coming from and I tried my best to explain it to him, but he refused to let his guard down. The start of the match was explosive, not on the cricket field, but in my house. His inquisitive cum sarcastic questions gained weight when the commentator blurted out, “the fielder at the silly point dropped a Lolly”. "What has he done to be called silly?" He roared! My explanation had no takers. His readiness to guillotine me at every instance, only made me wary and scared. I was losing my interest in the match. Commentators continued to blurt out words / sentences for Pierre to criticize. "He is a good sweeper and he gets runs galore by sweeping". "He introduced reverse sweep at the right time". I saw a big question mark on Pierre’s face. "Is he a damn sweeper?" "How do you do a reverse sweep?" Its plain bullshit, Pierre was all bored. To add to my woes, the commentator said "the batsman is beaten while fishing outside the off stump." "Where the hell is that guy fishing, I don’t see it, what kind of game is this?" I kept mum trying to keep the sound pollution minimal.

The Onslaught

With the game just started, I realized what is in store for me. After sometime, as the match progressed, I was laughed at, ridiculed, suffered condescending comments for loving or following a sport which had words like Bye, death bowler, leg break, leg bye, leg cutter, leg glance, leg spin, forward short leg etc. etc. These words made no sense to Pierre and he kept tearing the sport apart with his incisive comments. The problem was, I had no answers to why a position was called silly point, or for that matter why maiden over was called so. In spite of following this game all my life I didn’t know why those words were called so. I was a sitting duck for Pierre to carry an onslaught. Looking at him made me think, does the word magnanimity exist? For the next few hours I was all subdued like a hare in a bush sensing a predator, while, Pierre was the ferocious animal waiting to tear the prey apart.

I experienced some respite when lunch time was called and the players returned to the pavilion. Pierre continued gorging and drinking on whatever came within his sight. In between, he kept firing salvos at me with impunity. I had no option but to lie low. Post lunch, the commentators added to my sorry state by using words like Third man, Gully, broken furniture, military medium, royal duck. With extreme alacrity Pierre tore me apart with his questions, which were meant more to ridicule me than being inquisitive. I tried my level best in trying to make sense of the cricketing parlance being hurled by the commentators, but to no avail. "Why would someone call a person standing far off near the spectators a third man?" How come he is a third man, and not fourth or fifth man? "How come a player who walked back without scoring a run, is referred to as scoring a royal duck?" What on earth made cricketing gurus use a word like duck or third man? Thundered Pierre. Like a petrified person, I stood still keeping my mouth shut. Pierre was enjoying my state of ignominy and was smiling at my predicament. I was pushed in the corner for sure with no way to escape. I was myself to blame for my quandary. Every word coming out of Pierre’s mouth was like a stinging arrow and I had nothing in my arsenal to defend it leave aside destroy. The attack reached the zenith when Pierre heard commentator saying "he is a good hooker." Pierre thundered what kind of game is it where someone is called a “Good Hooker”. This game is absolute ridiculous wherein sexual innuendos are a norm. He continued with his juggernaut decimating me all ends up, I had no answers to any of his questions even though I have been following this sport for ages. That’s when I realized, for some it might be the most loved, popular sport, for others it might be a sport where nothing made sense, and where vulgarity is no big deal. I had my share of embarrassment at the hands of my friend and Pierre had the last laugh at my expense. That’s when I vowed, not to attempt to glorify cricket to anyone, leave aside a green horn to the core. Once bitten twice shy.

Karan Johar, The Agony Uncle

While I drove to my office cutting through the organized chaos on a regular basis and suffering mental agony, the only source of retaining my mental sanctity, was listening to some soothing music. It helped me lower my rage towards the fellow commuters who at will drove their so called vehicles in all possible directions giving scant respect to others. My overly abusive mind slowed down and instituted some sense in me. Thanks to the radio channels playing some lovely music. Though there are a few FM music channels wherein the RJs talk incessantly and that too crap, playing music if they get time between their perennial lip service. This only added fuel to the fire, my burgeoning road rage. This bullshit forced me to drop some sarcastic tweets to the RJs who made my life miserable. Gods took pity on me and accidentally introduced me to a channel which played only music and no marathon shitty chats by the RJs. Since then I was all ears to this melodious radio channel. My commute life to office improved for good and my murdering rage gave place to love and empathy for the fellow commuters. Life was beautiful until an advertisement at a regular interval started bombarding, promoting a self-proclaimed “LOVE GURU”, an agony uncle advising love birds on their love life. His first season being an instant hit??? only confirmed my belief that there are multitudes of dumber's, oafs, jackasses all around us. Let’s delve into the second season of this buffoonery.

Love, Life n Locha

Karan I am a married woman and I had a love marriage, everything was fine until my love life turned sour, my prince of my dreams suddenly became a mama’s boy, what should I do? I am disturbed.

Karan I found my boyfriend sleeping around and when confronted he denied saying it is all crap and rumors. I am sure he is a culprit, but I am in  a fix, please help.

I am married for 2 years but since last 8 months or so I and my husband are sleeping in different rooms, there is no conversation or physical intimacy between us. Please help me.

A husband complaining, my wife ignores me since giving birth to our first child, she simply does not have time for me to converse, leave aside physical intimacy. How can I bring back my wife from motherhood to being my wife?

This is a gem - I am a lovely romantic girl having a very sober boyfriend. Many a times I feel like having fun (she meant sex) but my boyfriend simply rejects my idea. What should I do?

Karan, I am a great fan of your romantic movies and I know, only you can solve my problem. I am going steady with my girlfriend and having great time, until my ex came into my life, now, I don’t know whom to say YES or NO. I know you have handled many such situations in your films, so please advise on my predicament, conundrum.

Rationality, What animal is it?

I got to hear all these humorous problems from Dumbo’s who took the Agony Uncle program named "Calling Karan" too seriously. Karan Johar is not complaining at all, he is laughing all the way to the bank, minting money by discussing people’s love problems.

First n foremost I don’t believe in the premise that Karan Johar is advising the lovers on their love problems because he has made some hit romantic movies which had loads of romance, love and melodrama and that he has great mastery in handling the emotion of romance and love in his movies. He understands love and its intricacies like no other. If this was true, then the Ramsay bros famous for making horror movies, would be good at exorcism and they would be the best bet in advising people on driving out spirits from their homes, or rescuing people possessed by evil spirits or ghosts. Or for that matter Hitchcock would have solved many a mysteries which otherwise are still an enigma.

What baffles me the most is the fact that rationale thinking is becoming a thing of past especially with generation Y. Also it is understood that we don’t wash our dirty linen in public, isn’t it?

The Utopia

Do you know what Utopia is? Where does it really exists? I always thought Utopia was a figment of human imagination, wishful thinking as we call it. I was always made to believe Utopia resides in stories we read and is a bookish phenomenon. I have been earnestly doing my bit to find Utopia, posing questions to people with wisdom, inquiring what all it takes to create an Utopia, A perfect place where only happiness, joy reside, a Shangri-La. Where pain, sorrow, misery, despondency stands no chance and are kept at bay. My effort to find that Utopia bore no fruit for a long time, intellectuals and pessimist termed me a fool and drove me away. My odyssey in search of the elusive Utopia almost came to an end, dejected, I gave up my yearning to find that perfect place. With me all at sea, my neighbor, a strapping nerd in his teens took pity and inquired about my well-being and offered me to help. With utter disdain I dismissed him and blurred…. A green horn like you who does not understand what life means, cannot help me find the Perfect Place, called Utopia. My statement laden with hint of maturity was equally dismissed by this nerd rendering me an inexperienced bloke… With affirmation he thundered he would show me that perfect place I was desperately looking for…. Without any further ado he took me to the perfect land….. The land where everything was perfect, happiness, joy oozing from every activity. Mortals sashaying their achievements and possessions like there was no tomorrow. Not a hint of sorrow was sensed, but only celebrations, happiness and exhibition of joie de vivre. Welcome to “Facebook”.

Indeed an Utopia

I was thrilled to find the Utopia at last. What amazed me was, a nerd whose experience of life, tantamount to truth within a compulsive liar had showed me the elusive. With a big hurrah my foray into the Utopian land of Facebook commenced. I could see happiness, joy everywhere with pictures of millennials splurging in the most exotic locales, dining at the best restaurants, selfies at all possible locations were spread everywhere. Pictures of folks flaunting their latest grabs decorated the walls of this Utopian land. Women with new sartorial ensemble were making the men go weak in their knees. People wishing each other for the festivities simply made my eyes moist. Each and every citizen of this land was in a happy space and it showed prominently in their dealings. There were no foes only friends and that too in tune of thousands, all living in absolute harmony. This urge of every citizen to let others know of their every day to day actions simply took my breath away. So much of care being bestowed in this land was an eye opener for me. They all were an epitome of model citizens and members of “Mutual Admiration Society”, a definite trait worth imbibing. Promotion of each other was a given and a cause of jealousy for the inferior outside world. People of all ages playing games and inviting others to participate only showed the positive vibe within this tribe in the Utopian land. Fun frolic and entertainment was a day to day affair in this land. Appreciating each other’s state of affairs and updates is a norm here no matter if they made sense to them. So much of empathy, trust was indeed a lesson to be learnt by the selfish world outside. Any evidence of Bad Blood here…..? Nah… only bonhomie.

Utopia Pre-Requisites

Mood upbeat, happiness all around, fun unlimited, social life at all-time high, this land scores above everyone when overall satisfaction and happiness quotient is measured. Citizens of this land are ranked the most joyous lot on our planet earth. The day to day festivities in this land only induces jealously in the outside world, jealously which incites them to call this land of happiness fake, obnoxious and full of swagger. Is this a case of grapes gone sour??? I think so!! This name calling does not hinder the happy citizens to flaunt, brag or slow down their carnival. I hope all the naysayers, doubters will finally admit to the existence of Utopia, and if you ignore it, do it at your own peril. So all the wannabes who wish to get the citizenship of this land, should have following pre-requisites:

• You should be ready to forgo all your private moments spent with your family, friends by sharing them will all.
• You should be able to brag about your possessions and flaunt it without giving a damn.
• You should be able to announce even the slightest of achievement / no achievement in life to the people with a lot of aplomb.
• You should be ready to befriend one and all irrespective of knowing their identities.
• You should have an in built trait of annoying and inducing jealousy amongst the people.
• Most importantly you should be an active member taking part in all activities of this land, even though you are not even remotely connected to them and is beyond your comprehension.

So if you are confident of having these qualities, you can definitely be part of this Utopian land. So what are you waiting for, doors to Utopia beckon you to have a time of your life with fun frolic unlimited. Join Facebook the new age land of Utopia.